Isa 61:3 GOD bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Ps 10:17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
Can a Christian fall into depression? My answer would have been a few years ago: ‘No way, if so, there must be something wrong with the person, because they can’t really deal with their lives or don’t seem to have their lives together.’ I would have looked at them with a prideful attitude and from up there.
Suddenly mindsets and attitudes change, when we find ourselves in situations were we don’t know really how to act, what to think and we are not quite sure what we feel either.
In January this year, I found myself in a deep whole. How could this happen? Didn’t I see it coming? Was there sin in my life, did I do anything wrong, did God punish me? Questions over questions. In the beginning I tried myself to get out, but as harder I tried it seemed like I slipped deeper and deeper in the dark whole.
I guess I recognized it the first time after January the 9th. Three days before on a Saturday, I had to bring a good friend of mine to the airport. With that, the person I got close to in a short time and shared my heart with was missing. Or maybe, it was an attack from the enemy, because I just had brought a day after on a Sunday the Message to dear brothers and sisters who meet in a simple tent in Tema. I felt I should share from my own experience how it was for me when God called me to be a missionary and to encourage them to go out in different nations. After Saturday and Sunday, the following Tuesday, a crewmember passed away. He was only 48 years old and one day after his death he was scheduled to fly back home to Nepal, to see his wife and daughter again after ½ year of service on the Anastasis.
So, I am not quite sure what exactly the trigger was, but suddenly I realized that I felt so down.
To all of this came, that I felt that I am not satisfied in my work anymore. We were winding up to go to Liberia and I did not have so much to do anymore. So I thought that this is the reason for all my feelings. I realized, that my eating habits where totally out of control. I ate sooooo much chocolate, but this, of course, did not help me to feel better. Rather the opposite was the case, it made me feel worse.
It seemed like that I could not break the circle I was in. In my case this is most of the time how the circle begins: I can’t define what I feel, what I think even. Often I was thinking: How can I express that is on my mind or what I feel. Could not just somebody help me to give my feelings and prayers wings?! Wings which would take my prayer further than only the sealing.
I can not find the right words to express how I feel… all what seems the right thing to do: eating Chocolate and develop abnormal eating habits. I think each person has different comforter. Each person knows theirs and the red signs on the way. But often we ignore them at least I do. Exercise is missing too.
I knew the only thing which would help is: God. But instead of being still in front of my God and just to sit to HIS feet, I get busier and busier. Try to bush those weird feelings down, try to ignore them as they would not exist. This might work for a while, but then it is like a teapot when the whistle blows when the hot water is boiling.
One and a half weeks later, we had a bible study going on and we talked about Elijah. It suddenly struck me that God was talking to me through the scripture and through a brother and sister. I had tried all the time to figure out what the matter was, but I could not. So during the bible study, God revealed what was ‘wrong’ and going on in my heart.
Before I go on with my story, let me share very quickly the story of Elijah with you, if you want to read it, you find it in
1. King Chapter 18 & 19:
Elijah sends prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty unto the mountain Carmel. After he made a burn offering for God, Elijah takes them and kills them. After Jezebel hears this, she sends a messenger to Elijah, and says: ’By tomorrow about this time you will be dead.’ And when Elijah heard that, he ran for his life, and came to Beersheba. He himself went into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, ‘It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.’
It hit me that the problem was not that I had less to do, it was through my busyness, pain, which I carried with me for the last 1 or maybe 2 years, was already there it was just shoveled down. I had so much done during the last 5 months Outreach, that I had not stopped running at working for God. Now the work had stopped and I fell in this big whole. I did not wanted to hear what God wants to tell me, I was afraid what he might tell me or maybe he
would say nothing. Often this is more unbearable.
God already started at that time a deep workin my heart. Did the depression and grieve go away, right after God had spoken?
No, it still took a long time.
In February, God opened a big door for me to go two weeks to South Africa on vac
ation.
Ps 10:17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
Can a Christian fall into depression? My answer would have been a few years ago: ‘No way, if so, there must be something wrong with the person, because they can’t really deal with their lives or don’t seem to have their lives together.’ I would have looked at them with a prideful attitude and from up there.
Suddenly mindsets and attitudes change, when we find ourselves in situations were we don’t know really how to act, what to think and we are not quite sure what we feel either.
In January this year, I found myself in a deep whole. How could this happen? Didn’t I see it coming? Was there sin in my life, did I do anything wrong, did God punish me? Questions over questions. In the beginning I tried myself to get out, but as harder I tried it seemed like I slipped deeper and deeper in the dark whole.
I guess I recognized it the first time after January the 9th. Three days before on a Saturday, I had to bring a good friend of mine to the airport. With that, the person I got close to in a short time and shared my heart with was missing. Or maybe, it was an attack from the enemy, because I just had brought a day after on a Sunday the Message to dear brothers and sisters who meet in a simple tent in Tema. I felt I should share from my own experience how it was for me when God called me to be a missionary and to encourage them to go out in different nations. After Saturday and Sunday, the following Tuesday, a crewmember passed away. He was only 48 years old and one day after his death he was scheduled to fly back home to Nepal, to see his wife and daughter again after ½ year of service on the Anastasis.
So, I am not quite sure what exactly the trigger was, but suddenly I realized that I felt so down.
To all of this came, that I felt that I am not satisfied in my work anymore. We were winding up to go to Liberia and I did not have so much to do anymore. So I thought that this is the reason for all my feelings. I realized, that my eating habits where totally out of control. I ate sooooo much chocolate, but this, of course, did not help me to feel better. Rather the opposite was the case, it made me feel worse.
It seemed like that I could not break the circle I was in. In my case this is most of the time how the circle begins: I can’t define what I feel, what I think even. Often I was thinking: How can I express that is on my mind or what I feel. Could not just somebody help me to give my feelings and prayers wings?! Wings which would take my prayer further than only the sealing.
I can not find the right words to express how I feel… all what seems the right thing to do: eating Chocolate and develop abnormal eating habits. I think each person has different comforter. Each person knows theirs and the red signs on the way. But often we ignore them at least I do. Exercise is missing too.
I knew the only thing which would help is: God. But instead of being still in front of my God and just to sit to HIS feet, I get busier and busier. Try to bush those weird feelings down, try to ignore them as they would not exist. This might work for a while, but then it is like a teapot when the whistle blows when the hot water is boiling.
One and a half weeks later, we had a bible study going on and we talked about Elijah. It suddenly struck me that God was talking to me through the scripture and through a brother and sister. I had tried all the time to figure out what the matter was, but I could not. So during the bible study, God revealed what was ‘wrong’ and going on in my heart.
Before I go on with my story, let me share very quickly the story of Elijah with you, if you want to read it, you find it in
1. King Chapter 18 & 19:
Elijah sends prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty unto the mountain Carmel. After he made a burn offering for God, Elijah takes them and kills them. After Jezebel hears this, she sends a messenger to Elijah, and says: ’By tomorrow about this time you will be dead.’ And when Elijah heard that, he ran for his life, and came to Beersheba. He himself went into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, ‘It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.’
It hit me that the problem was not that I had less to do, it was through my busyness, pain, which I carried with me for the last 1 or maybe 2 years, was already there it was just shoveled down. I had so much done during the last 5 months Outreach, that I had not stopped running at working for God. Now the work had stopped and I fell in this big whole. I did not wanted to hear what God wants to tell me, I was afraid what he might tell me or maybe he
would say nothing. Often this is more unbearable.
God already started at that time a deep workin my heart. Did the depression and grieve go away, right after God had spoken?
No, it still took a long time.
In February, God opened a big door for me to go two weeks to South Africa on vac
ation. I had a wonderful and very richly blessed time! (Thank YOU Hans!) Before I did anything else, a friend dropped me off at a mountain. I took 3 days: hiking, enjoying nature, and just seeking Gods face, praising and talking to him and being quiet in front of Him. It took me at least one and a half days to quite my busy mind and open up to God. God showed me that my spiritual life looks like the mountain, try and rocky. And that I need a balance between serving and spending time with him. I came to the point, where I realized, that God had put some things in my heart and I was running away from it. I submitted my life again to God and from this time on, I know things will get better.
We are sailing to Liberia right now, and I read again a book about the story of Ruth. God shows His heart in this story. He reveals, that he still had a plan with Naomis life, even though it did not seem like. God can indeed make something very beautiful out of ashes.
Looking back on not only the last year, I don’t understand many things why God allowed them in my life. But I realized again, when our plans and dreams are scattered this is when God starts to work out His plans for us in our life. After a long journey of grief and pain, suddenly something shows up on the horizon.
Should it be a privilege that we go through the hard and though times? That God is choosing you and me to go through grief and heartache?
Isn’t it often, we think we are done and shortly after, the next thing comes and we feel like we break down, because we can’t bear and handle anymore? I wonder often, maybe too often: God where are you in this, why do you allow this to happen in my life? And even now writing this, my eyes filled with tears, I can see in my spirit something on the horizon which looks like hope and it feels like God has not forgotten me. His hand is still on my life. All I have to do is to keep my eyes on the prize and press on! It won’t all be easy, but it will be worthwhile. The hope which fills my heart and spirit is not strong, but there is a little, little light. I can’t almost believe it, that it is there. ‘Is it for me? The best thing ever?’ may I ask God with a shy smile. And the love I feel as answer is so overwhelming that my eyes fill with tears again. I don’t know if these tears are tears of joy, hope or still grieve.
But I believe that God will give us everything we need! HE will give us:
Beauty for ashes
Joy instead of mourning
Praise instead of heaviness !!! AMEN, LORD
Together for HIS kingdom
Love Jutta
We are sailing to Liberia right now, and I read again a book about the story of Ruth. God shows His heart in this story. He reveals, that he still had a plan with Naomis life, even though it did not seem like. God can indeed make something very beautiful out of ashes.
Looking back on not only the last year, I don’t understand many things why God allowed them in my life. But I realized again, when our plans and dreams are scattered this is when God starts to work out His plans for us in our life. After a long journey of grief and pain, suddenly something shows up on the horizon.
Should it be a privilege that we go through the hard and though times? That God is choosing you and me to go through grief and heartache?
Isn’t it often, we think we are done and shortly after, the next thing comes and we feel like we break down, because we can’t bear and handle anymore? I wonder often, maybe too often: God where are you in this, why do you allow this to happen in my life? And even now writing this, my eyes filled with tears, I can see in my spirit something on the horizon which looks like hope and it feels like God has not forgotten me. His hand is still on my life. All I have to do is to keep my eyes on the prize and press on! It won’t all be easy, but it will be worthwhile. The hope which fills my heart and spirit is not strong, but there is a little, little light. I can’t almost believe it, that it is there. ‘Is it for me? The best thing ever?’ may I ask God with a shy smile. And the love I feel as answer is so overwhelming that my eyes fill with tears again. I don’t know if these tears are tears of joy, hope or still grieve.
But I believe that God will give us everything we need! HE will give us:Beauty for ashes
Joy instead of mourning
Praise instead of heaviness !!! AMEN, LORD
Together for HIS kingdom
Love Jutta
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